For many people, Christmas sadly becomes a season of pain rather than joy: a holiday filled with unmet expectations, broken dreams, family arguments, absence and major challenges. Christmas conflicts can almost become traditions, replayed every year or every other year.
Is Christmas really the problem?
Is Christmas itself really the problem? Not necessarily. As a psychotherapist, I often see unresolved disagreements, old family patterns and unfinished conflicts surface when expectations and time together intensify. We usually have good intentions that this year will be different, yet we sit at the same table with the same people, fall into the same roles and once again conclude that Christmas is neither happy nor wonderful.
Christmas itself is not the reason we feel as we do. Instead, it can act as a catalyst for challenges and conflicts that already exist, becoming a symptom of something else in our lives or relationships that is not working well.
Deeply rooted family conflicts cannot be removed instantly. There are, however, practical choices you can make to reduce conflict and create more room for warmth and joy, which Christmas also holds.
Three things you can do now to reduce difficulties
The most important thing you can do for yourself, your partner and your family is to align expectations. Identify your own expectations, decide which activities matter most and agree how much Christmas may cost. Clarity on these three points makes it easier to stay calm and keep perspective, leaving more room for the good parts of Christmas.
1. Your own expectations
The most challenging yet most effective step is clarifying your own expectations of what Christmas should be. What do you expect from yourself and others? Do you expect other people to fulfil your wishes? Do you smooth over disagreements to preserve the atmosphere? When you notice how you respond, you can actively decide whether that is how you want to be. You can take back direction in your life and align what you want with what you actually do – at Christmas too.
2. Prioritise
December tends to fill up quickly with events. What do you want your Christmas month to contain, and where can you take a shortcut? Decide what matters most to you and your family. Is it all right to decline a Christmas gathering even if the calendar is empty that day? Can parents decide that the children will watch only two of the many Christmas calendar programmes on Danish television? Is it acceptable to bring shop-bought biscuits instead of baking? There are enough challenges already, so choose actively what you want and are able to take part in.
3. … costs a lot of money
A third challenge is that Christmas is expensive. For many, it becomes far too expensive and continues to carry a cost afterwards. Financial disagreements are a major reason couples separate, and Christmas can quickly become a battleground if expectations about money have not been aligned. Is borrowing money for gifts acceptable? Could you give gifts only to those you spend Christmas with? Can the cost of dinner be shared? Agree a financial strategy so spending is based on conscious decisions rather than impulse.
By aligning expectations, prioritising activities and keeping track of finances, you may avoid unnecessary difficulties and have more energy for the things you want to enjoy at Christmas.
Support is available
It can be difficult to understand why we fall into old patterns or cannot change what bothers us. Many people use therapeutic conversation to discover new perspectives on life and turn them into the changes they want. This is something you can work on throughout the year.
Louise Haibrock is a qualified psychotherapist and social educator with a practice in central Hillerød. Read more at psykisksundhed.nu